(I wrote most of this near the start of my masters)

Once again, I find myself dreaming about the green(er) grass in Cambridge’s courtyards. Dreaming about the things I might learn, friends I might make, the respect I might attain, the contributions I might make, possible collaborations with like-minded peers, the datasets I might have access to, and of course, the grass.

(I have no special feelings towards Cambridge uni, it was simply the world class university I most associated green grass with)

These grassy dreams are proliferating and out competing happier thoughts! For me to get to Cambridge, I need to achieve distinction in the Masters I am currently doing. And to do that, I need to;

  1. find a clear contribution to machine (/reinforcement) learning,
  2. write it up and have it accepted into a top tier journal/conference.

This seems like mission impossible when ML/RL is a hot topic and I am, well, me…

The GPUs/TPUs are burning hot, dont touch! (FB knowingly called their ML platform Torch). And my scroll wheel has been incinerated by the arxiv-sanity feed.

And then there is me (and my environment). I am curious, but unfocused. I don’t have the right mathematical tools. I am the only student doing reinforcement learning at my uni… I hear people talk about imposter syndrome, but I don’t think that applies to me. I am not fooling anyone.

The point is, I am feeling overwhelmed. I am trying to learn RL, while I am expected to write a paper. On I don’t know what… It seems unlikely I will live out my dreams of greener grass.

EDIT: (An after thought to what I originally wrote)

I soo easily forget. I have a lot to be happy about!

  • I live a comfortable life by most measures.
  • I have come a long way! All the fascinating things I have learnt; credit assignment, abstraction, intrinsic motivation and curiosity, the advantages of planning.
  • I am actually starting to like my thought process (although, maybe that is the most dangerous thought I have had in a while)!
  • I get the chance to (try to) make a contribution to science! (which I am getting paid to do!) How awesome is that.
  • I once dreamed of being here.